This morning I woke up early with you and was walking around a quiet house trying to lull you back to sleep. The sun was just starting to peek over the horizon and as I walked over to the window I started to yawn and think about how exhausted I was. We have been in Ohio for the past week and between late nights with the family, your brother's over-tired night terrors and your frequent night feedings, I am going on about 4 hours of sleep a night.
Well, I don't know what it was, but in that grayish morning light, up in the loft of grandma Nini's house, while holding you all wrapped up in the faded yellow blanket that used to be your daddy's, I became overwhelmed with a perspective that I desperately needed. I began thinking about how lucky I am to be exhausted because I am up at night taking care of my sweet babies. My sweet, healthy, perfect babies. Not only do I get to be the one to feed and comfort you when you need me at night, but so often I look down at you with my tired, burning eyes and you stare at me and smile a smile that says, "I'm happy because I am with you." That smile awakens my soul and reminds me why exhaustion is a blessing and there is nothing- not even sleep- that I would rather be doing than swaying back and forth and gazing at you.
Unfortunately I know many people who have a lot more to complain about than being tired. Just this week aunt Kelly went to a funeral of a young girl who died of leukemia. She and her parents found out about the cancer less than a month before she died. I have friends who are unable to have children, I follow blogs of mothers whose children have lost battles to terminal illnesses and hear stories of babies who only live a few hours or who are stillborn. These parents' exhaustion comes as a result of intense grief and intrusive memories that keep them up at night. Their eyes burn from tears, and one of their greatest hopes is that they will dream about their babies so they can be with them again.So how can I ever complain? How can I ever whine or feel like a victim because I get to wake up and hold you? So this morning rather than racking my brain for ways to get you back to sleep so I can rest longer, I just held you, delighted in you and thanked God for that time.
