I write this "blog" for two primary reasons. One is to keep an ongoing dialogue to help me convey to you how much I love you. The other reason is more for me. It is a way for me to document memories that I want to hold on to. Like an Alzheimer's patient who knows they only have a limited amount of time to grasp onto the memories they so cherish, so am I desperate not to lose the experiences I have had with you as you grow up.
Mostly, I try to hold onto images in my head- things I can see- your expressions, your movements, your characteristics. This is why I always have a camera in your face. I want to make sure I never forget how cute you are in each moment... "Oh look at that crooked smile with one dimple," "I can't believe how LONG those arms are," "Awwww, I love how he stares up in adoration at his brother," "He is so cute with green beans all over his face." Sometimes I don't have a camera but I try to take a mental picture. For example, tonight you were on your tummy on the floor with daddy and he was trying to help you learn to crawl. You were all sprawled out and trying to shimmy your way across the floor, but you looked like a fish out of water trying to swim.
Lately I find my self taking more videos... because I want to be able to hear you too. You make all of the typical baby sounds, but they sound especially sweet because they come from you. You have really enjoyed making "spitting" sounds and guttural growls lately. You also love to make the "gggggg" sound if you are very happy. I even want to remember your cry. That sound that can make me jump out of bed even out of a very deep sleep, and helps me to know you need me. Even more, I love the sound of you as you are soothed to sleep and sometimes make a tired little moaning sound. I have noticed you do this a lot when I pray for you, as though you are trying to pray along with me.
Now if only I could find a way to capture smells and physical touch. I need a camera that will help me to always remember how your little feet feel in my hand and how incredibly smooth your new, innocent skin feels when I stroke your arms and legs while we are nursing. I already miss the heavy feeling of your tiny, warm little body curled up in my arms while you are deep asleep- (because at this time you rarely fall asleep in my arms).I love how you smell so clean and so familiar when I hold you close. I love how when daddy has been holding you and hands you over to me how you smell like his cologne. I even have come to appreciate how I constantly smell like breast-milk because breast-milk is one of the greatest links you and I share.
I want to remember it all. I want to be able to always remember the sounds, sights, smells and feel of things when we get home in the evenings from work and picking you up at grammy and paps' house. It is the busiest and most hectic time of day--- the dogs are always inevitably barking and running around, you are usually crying a little because by then you are hungry and I am taking too long to feed you. Maximus is usually begging to play on my phone, I am burning dinner or making a mess by spilling things as I rush around, daddy turns on politics or sports on the TV and eventually we all sit down, say a prayer and eat for a few brief minutes before starting the whole crazy cleanup process. I get so anxious during those times. I feel like everything is out of control and in the moment I just wish I could fast forward time and get to the end of the night when everything is calmer. But really, it is those hectic, busy, noisy times that I will miss most someday. It is a summary of us. Our little, loud and crazy family.
I love you so much Titus,
Mommy
