The Uninteresting Voice

 Titus,

     Last week I read an article that made me feel quite emotional for a couple of days. It was about how when kids are little their mom's voice is the most important thing they hear and how their brains are actually tuned to prioritize their mom's voice because it is so crucial to their safety and survival from an evolutionary standpoint. I thought of how beautiful that was and how blessed I was to have that level of a connection to you and your brother. 

   Then the article went on to explain that research showed the brains of 13+ year olds and up actually selected against the sound of their moms' voices. Their brain would light up when hearing a stranger or random person's voice but less so for their mom. It makes sense from a developmental perspective that a teenager's brain would be more interested in the voice of new or different people as this will help prepare them more for independence and growth and diverse perspectives as an individual. Still, as a mom whose greatest identity is being the voice most treasured by my two sons, this was hard to read. 

   As I thought about it (and wiped some tears) I grappled with the realization that this is actually a good thing and that it is not something I can or should try to change. While my selfish and natural instinct is to keep you close to me and dependent on me forever, I know that is not what is actually best for either of us. It made me realize just how hard being a mom is. I don't mean hard because of the sleepless nights, messy house, nonstop laundry and battles with toddlers etc. It's hard because mom's are given the best possible
gift- becoming a mother to their baby- but then eventually need to let that gift go willingly. I believe that everything in me was made to take care of, protect and love my children.  And yet, as you grow, the most important thing I can do is to let you grow apart from me. 

  I have a few years before you turn 13. Right now you still want to be by my side all the time. I am committed to soaking it up as much as I can and be in the moment with you as fully as possible. But when it is time for you to pull away a little, I will let you. And I will smile and even cheer you on. I will mean it. But I know that  inside I will forever be longing to hold the little hand of my baby again. 

Love, 

Mom

Bones

 

Dear Titus,

  On February 14th, 2022 our sweet boy Bones died. He was the absolute sweetest dog any of us have ever known. We found him before you were born, one month before Maximus was born. He had been abandoned. He was so skinny and dehydrated- close to death. He immediately bonded with dad and despite my best efforts to re-home him, I fell fast for him and would cry every time we dropped him off with a potential owner. He was made for us.

   As Maximus, you and eventually your foster siblings all came into the house and grew up, Bones remained sweet and calm as ever. He tolerated our more bossy dogs, Trooper and Genji and he always knew how to make us all happy when we were sad. 

    On the weekend before he died, Bones started having trouble walking and seemed very dizzy. He wasn't eating much and would vomit. If he did walk he would walk in circles. He seemed pretty miserable. Dad and I realized it was probably time to put him down which was one of the hardest decisions we have ever made. When we told you and Max you were really sad. You asked if maybe we could get a miracle and told me you had been praying for one. 

   On Sunday morning we had a vet scheduled to come in and do an in home euthanasia. While we sat there waiting on the vet we petted Bones and decided to read him a book. You read to him even though you were sad. Dad and I thought that was very brave. After you read to him he got up and walked outside and started chewing on a stick, like nothing was even wrong. He seemed quite happy and we thought that just maybe you had gotten your miracle.

   Unfortunately things got bad again later that day and the next morning he began having seizures that never stopped. I had to take him to the emergency vet while you were at school and they put him down there. It was very very hard but I was so happy they were able to stop his suffering. I think it was good that you, Max and dad didn't have to be there at the end. And I think your prayers did give us an extra special day with him. 

I love you and we will all always love our sweet Bones. 

Geri and GZ

 Dear Titus,

  Christmas just ended and we are now in the year 2022. You turn 8 next week! I can't believe it has been 8 years of having you in my life. I still remember just how it felt to hold you as a sleepy little baby. 

  I was laying in bed the other night thinking how I wanted to write a note so I don't forget about you and how much you love our Elf on the Shelf, Geri. We have had her for several years now. I am pretty sure Maximus no longer believes she is real (although he has not told me that yet) but to you she is still a member of our family.  And to make things more fun, a few years ago she married "Zipper," the Grudecki's elf and they have since had a baby who you all named "G-Z." So now every night from Thanksgiving to Christmas she is supposedly going back and forth from the North Pole to our house and has to be in a different spot each morning when you wake up.

  One of my favorite things is waking up in the morning to the sound of you clicking on the lights. Usually when you get up in the morning you don't turn on any lights at all and the first thing I hear is the tv. But during Christmas time you wake up every morning eagerly searching the house for your Geri. And when you find her you can't wait to show me. It has made it totally worth staying up late to do it. Sometimes I fall asleep before your do and so I wake up in a frenzy in the middle of the night rushing to make sure she has moved. 

Last year you had a really hard time when she left. In fact you would pray to God for her to be able to come back for a short visit in the middle of the year. This year you did ok when she left but dad heard you talking to her saying goodbye on Christmas Eve. I am worried that it will be hard for you when you stop believing in Santa and the elves but I hope you look back on these years with fondness. Your love is real even if the elf isn't. 

I love you buddy. You make Christmas special to me. 

Mom

Separation Anxiety

 Hi Sweet Titus,

     I wanted to take a minute and make a little note to you. Today was your first day back to school in four weeks! You had two weeks off for winter break and the two weeks before that you were off because I tested positive for Covid-19 and so we quarantined the whole family at home.  We had a great 4 weeks with a lot of quality time together, which made today a little rough. It broke my heart to drop you off today when you had tears in your eyes and kept saying, "I don't want to leave you." I couldn't tell you that I didn't want to leave you either, so I decided to just type it here. I had separation anxiety as a kid and I remember how sad I was to leave my mom on school days, especially after long breaks, and I hated that you had to feel that way today. Truth be told I also kind of loved knowing that you would miss me because I knew how much I would miss you too.

   I also wanted to put a note in about an interaction we had this weekend that I want to remember because I think it captures your sweet and kind character.  We were all in the minivan going to a hike and dad and I were talking about teachers doing a "sick out" at work to protest in person schooling during the pandemic. Dad and I are both pretty mad that teachers are doing that and I imagine you picked up on that in the conversation. We pulled up to the state park where we were going to hike and I saw an older lady with gray hair who was working there. I said, "look at her, she didn't get to do a sickout and she is at much higher risk than those teachers!" I don't think you understood what I was saying (I was talking to your dad) but I think you interpreted me to be angry at the lady. You remained quiet as we pulled up and I spoke to the lady. As we pulled away, you sweetly said, "well she was really nice at least, mom." I thought it was so precious the way you quietly observed all that was said and then formed your own opinion and spoke up for the lady, even though it didn't really benefit you in any way to do so. I hope you continue to do that as you grow up and I hope that others recognize the genuine goodness in you.

I love you so much. 

Mommy

Bedtime

Hey buddy,

I just wanted to share this audio clip with you so we can always remember it. Every night I tuck you and Maximus in one at a time. We talk a little about the day, I pray for you and then we sing a song. I always sing "You Are My Sunshine" to you and then I sing "Never Grow Up" to Maximus. You recently started complaining that Maximus' song is longer and so I started singing "Joy Invincible" to you too. That song has always reminded me of you because whenever I am having a bad day or I am down about something, you are always able to make me feel joy. Thats been especially helpful these past several months as we have been dealing with the craziness of 2020. The other night when I was tucking you in I recorded us singing together so that I can listen to it for the rest of my life and remember these sweet moments we have together now. 

 

Black Lives Matter

Hey buddy,
 
   2020 has been unlike any other year I have been alive. First, the coronavirus struck and subsequently the world as we know it was shut down. This has devastated the economy and left most of us wondering when/if/how we will come out of this.
   Then on May 25, 2020 a black man named George Floyd was killed by a white police officer while being arrested. The whole thing was caught on video and was horrifying to watch. I couldn't watch the whole thing. George was choked by the officer who was kneeling on his neck. The video got out and the whole country (and much of the world) was horrified. People began marching in the streets and protesting, holding signs and chanting about the injustices that they have experienced or witnessed in the world.
    You and Maximus have grown up knowing and loving people of color, some of whom are your family. You have often noted their different skin tones, but its always been sort of a side note/observation and hasn't really warranted much conversation. Dad and I may have been remiss up to this point because we have never really talked to you directly about racism. But as the events following Floyd's death unfolded, I felt like the most tangible and necessary thing we could do was to have some discussion within our family about this very difficult issue. We ordered children's books on slavery, segregation and Martin Luther King. We spent the week reading through them together and you and Maximus were both very interested and asked a lot of questions. You seemed excited by what MLK did and said. Still, it felt like an abstract concept for a 6 year old.
    Then last week I picked you up from grammy and paps'. As we were leaving, the maintenance man from their complex stopped by and started going on about how he was quitting his job there. During his rant he used language and talked about people of color in a way that made me cringe. It was some of the most overt racism I have personally experienced and he did it right there in front of my kids.  I didn't know how to effectively confront the man so instead we just got up and left. Once we got in the car I talked to you guys about what we just experienced. I told you that it was an example of racism. You kind of cut me off and said, "why do we still have to talk about this!?" I thought you were annoyed by having to have a serious conversation and I said, "because it is important that we talk about it. What that man said was wrong." And you said, "No, I mean, why are we still talking about this?!? Martin Luther King fought for this a long time ago so why is it still happening?" You seemed genuinely perplexed and also so very wise.
   On the drive home we just so happened to drive through a neighborhood protest where people were holding signs and waving at cars as we drove past. They were black and white people and they had signs saying things like, "The answer is LOVE." We honked and waved and cheered with them.
  All of that happened within about a 20 minute period. It was intense but I think it was a really great way for you and Maximus to see the impact of racism first hand so that you are better prepared to be champions against it as you grow.


 

2020 Quarantine

Dear Titus,

  Today was Easter 2020. It was great. It was one of the most low key holidays we have ever had. You boys woke up and checked out your Easter baskets, we made "resurrection rolls" and watched church online. Then you and Maximus made some pictures and filled a basket of candy for grammy and

paps and we went over to their house with donuts. We had to leave the treats on their doorstep then stay 6 feet away when we visited with them. That's because we are in the middle of the Coronavirus Pandemic. A virus that started in China has spread throughout the world and is highly contagious. People catch it quickly and many people have to be hospitalized or even die from it. In order to reduce transmission, the local, state and federal government has put orders into effect limiting contact that people can have outside of their home. It's been really weird. Your school shut down for the rest of the year in March. Dad and I have both been working from home and trying to homeschool you and Maximus. Restaurants and businesses are shut down. There is a lot of hysteria in the news. They recommend that you wear face masks when in public and you are supposed to stay at least 6 feet away from people at all times. So, needless to say, you, Maximus, dad and I have spent a lot of time together lately. We get a little stir crazy sometimes and we miss our friends and family. You spend 30 minutes every school morning on a zoom meeting with your classmates. Yesterday we met grandma, granny Ann, and the Boggs at Dairy Queen drive through and sat across the parking lot from each other in our cars. Luckily the weather in AZ is still really nice and we get to be outside a lot. You and Maximus play basketball on our driveway every day and we go on a lot of walks. 

   You and I were supposed to go on a mommy-son trip to Universal Studios and Santa Monica over spring break. The day we left though, we drove halfway there and decided to turn around because everything was being shut down because of COVID19. I was really sad and cried. You weren’t too sad. You were actually more sad about leaving Maximus and dad so I think you were relieved to head home. You are always kind of a homebody. Still, I hope we will get to do a 1:1 trip together next year or sometime so we can make memories together. 

     We still see the Grudeckis a lot. We haven't really quarantined from them. We did an Easter Egg hunt with them today at the park. It was really sweet. I loved watching you run carefree and be so excited when you would find an egg. I would give you hints on where to find them, because I wanted you to get a lot <3. I loved watching you open your eggs and fill your mouth full of jelly Beans. 

This morning when you and Maximus were looking through your baskets I looked at dad and said, "this may be one of the last Easters we have like this." I don't know how much longer the holidays will be magic for you so I am glad this one was so special. You and Maximus both slept in our bed last night because the thought of a giant bunny hopping through our house is kind of terrifying (for all of us). HAHA. It's not often that we let you and your brother both sleep in our bed but when you do you both always want to sleep on my side. You both say you like how my pillow smells. I think it smells like my shampoo or something. When dad asks why you don't like his side you always say, "because your pillow smells like hot gravy!" HAHAH.  I don't know where you got that but it always cracks me up. 

     I love you buddy. Thanks for making today so magical for me. 

Mommy