The Uninteresting Voice

 Titus,

     Last week I read an article that made me feel quite emotional for a couple of days. It was about how when kids are little their mom's voice is the most important thing they hear and how their brains are actually tuned to prioritize their mom's voice because it is so crucial to their safety and survival from an evolutionary standpoint. I thought of how beautiful that was and how blessed I was to have that level of a connection to you and your brother. 

   Then the article went on to explain that research showed the brains of 13+ year olds and up actually selected against the sound of their moms' voices. Their brain would light up when hearing a stranger or random person's voice but less so for their mom. It makes sense from a developmental perspective that a teenager's brain would be more interested in the voice of new or different people as this will help prepare them more for independence and growth and diverse perspectives as an individual. Still, as a mom whose greatest identity is being the voice most treasured by my two sons, this was hard to read. 

   As I thought about it (and wiped some tears) I grappled with the realization that this is actually a good thing and that it is not something I can or should try to change. While my selfish and natural instinct is to keep you close to me and dependent on me forever, I know that is not what is actually best for either of us. It made me realize just how hard being a mom is. I don't mean hard because of the sleepless nights, messy house, nonstop laundry and battles with toddlers etc. It's hard because mom's are given the best possible
gift- becoming a mother to their baby- but then eventually need to let that gift go willingly. I believe that everything in me was made to take care of, protect and love my children.  And yet, as you grow, the most important thing I can do is to let you grow apart from me. 

  I have a few years before you turn 13. Right now you still want to be by my side all the time. I am committed to soaking it up as much as I can and be in the moment with you as fully as possible. But when it is time for you to pull away a little, I will let you. And I will smile and even cheer you on. I will mean it. But I know that  inside I will forever be longing to hold the little hand of my baby again. 

Love, 

Mom

Bones

 

Dear Titus,

  On February 14th, 2022 our sweet boy Bones died. He was the absolute sweetest dog any of us have ever known. We found him before you were born, one month before Maximus was born. He had been abandoned. He was so skinny and dehydrated- close to death. He immediately bonded with dad and despite my best efforts to re-home him, I fell fast for him and would cry every time we dropped him off with a potential owner. He was made for us.

   As Maximus, you and eventually your foster siblings all came into the house and grew up, Bones remained sweet and calm as ever. He tolerated our more bossy dogs, Trooper and Genji and he always knew how to make us all happy when we were sad. 

    On the weekend before he died, Bones started having trouble walking and seemed very dizzy. He wasn't eating much and would vomit. If he did walk he would walk in circles. He seemed pretty miserable. Dad and I realized it was probably time to put him down which was one of the hardest decisions we have ever made. When we told you and Max you were really sad. You asked if maybe we could get a miracle and told me you had been praying for one. 

   On Sunday morning we had a vet scheduled to come in and do an in home euthanasia. While we sat there waiting on the vet we petted Bones and decided to read him a book. You read to him even though you were sad. Dad and I thought that was very brave. After you read to him he got up and walked outside and started chewing on a stick, like nothing was even wrong. He seemed quite happy and we thought that just maybe you had gotten your miracle.

   Unfortunately things got bad again later that day and the next morning he began having seizures that never stopped. I had to take him to the emergency vet while you were at school and they put him down there. It was very very hard but I was so happy they were able to stop his suffering. I think it was good that you, Max and dad didn't have to be there at the end. And I think your prayers did give us an extra special day with him. 

I love you and we will all always love our sweet Bones. 

Geri and GZ

 Dear Titus,

  Christmas just ended and we are now in the year 2022. You turn 8 next week! I can't believe it has been 8 years of having you in my life. I still remember just how it felt to hold you as a sleepy little baby. 

  I was laying in bed the other night thinking how I wanted to write a note so I don't forget about you and how much you love our Elf on the Shelf, Geri. We have had her for several years now. I am pretty sure Maximus no longer believes she is real (although he has not told me that yet) but to you she is still a member of our family.  And to make things more fun, a few years ago she married "Zipper," the Grudecki's elf and they have since had a baby who you all named "G-Z." So now every night from Thanksgiving to Christmas she is supposedly going back and forth from the North Pole to our house and has to be in a different spot each morning when you wake up.

  One of my favorite things is waking up in the morning to the sound of you clicking on the lights. Usually when you get up in the morning you don't turn on any lights at all and the first thing I hear is the tv. But during Christmas time you wake up every morning eagerly searching the house for your Geri. And when you find her you can't wait to show me. It has made it totally worth staying up late to do it. Sometimes I fall asleep before your do and so I wake up in a frenzy in the middle of the night rushing to make sure she has moved. 

Last year you had a really hard time when she left. In fact you would pray to God for her to be able to come back for a short visit in the middle of the year. This year you did ok when she left but dad heard you talking to her saying goodbye on Christmas Eve. I am worried that it will be hard for you when you stop believing in Santa and the elves but I hope you look back on these years with fondness. Your love is real even if the elf isn't. 

I love you buddy. You make Christmas special to me. 

Mom