The Uninteresting Voice

 Titus,

     Last week I read an article that made me feel quite emotional for a couple of days. It was about how when kids are little their mom's voice is the most important thing they hear and how their brains are actually tuned to prioritize their mom's voice because it is so crucial to their safety and survival from an evolutionary standpoint. I thought of how beautiful that was and how blessed I was to have that level of a connection to you and your brother. 

   Then the article went on to explain that research showed the brains of 13+ year olds and up actually selected against the sound of their moms' voices. Their brain would light up when hearing a stranger or random person's voice but less so for their mom. It makes sense from a developmental perspective that a teenager's brain would be more interested in the voice of new or different people as this will help prepare them more for independence and growth and diverse perspectives as an individual. Still, as a mom whose greatest identity is being the voice most treasured by my two sons, this was hard to read. 

   As I thought about it (and wiped some tears) I grappled with the realization that this is actually a good thing and that it is not something I can or should try to change. While my selfish and natural instinct is to keep you close to me and dependent on me forever, I know that is not what is actually best for either of us. It made me realize just how hard being a mom is. I don't mean hard because of the sleepless nights, messy house, nonstop laundry and battles with toddlers etc. It's hard because mom's are given the best possible
gift- becoming a mother to their baby- but then eventually need to let that gift go willingly. I believe that everything in me was made to take care of, protect and love my children.  And yet, as you grow, the most important thing I can do is to let you grow apart from me. 

  I have a few years before you turn 13. Right now you still want to be by my side all the time. I am committed to soaking it up as much as I can and be in the moment with you as fully as possible. But when it is time for you to pull away a little, I will let you. And I will smile and even cheer you on. I will mean it. But I know that  inside I will forever be longing to hold the little hand of my baby again. 

Love, 

Mom