Kisses for Mommy

Dear Titus,

You giving me kisses during our family photo shoot.

   I just want to record something sweet that you did recently that I never want to forget. Lately you have started giving kisses. Its not exactly a lips-together-smooch kind of kiss, though. Instead you do what all babies do when they are first learning to show affection- you open your little bird mouth and lean in to the object of your affection and give a sloppy, wet kiss.
   Well the other day, daddy, Maximus, you and I were playing around in the family room. Daddy started holding Maximus down and tickling him and I would "save Maximus from the tickle monster.' Then, the "tickle monster" turned on me and held me down and tickled me. Well... Mommy DOES NOT like to be tickled. I started screaming and pleading, and I am sure I sounded pretty dramatic and upset. Then, all of the sudden, you came crawling over as fast as you could and started kissing my face with your little bird mouth.

You and Me

    I think you were kissing me because thats what I do for you when you are hurt or upset. Its a natural reflex for me to just start kissing you to make it "all better." So, when I was upset you did the same for me.  It was such a subtle little thing, but it meant the world to me.

Those are the moments I live for.  I love you so much baby boy.

Mommy

Attached

Hi sweet Titus. You are 9 months old now. It sounds cliche but I really don't know how that is possible. It felt like it took forever for you to get here and then you got here and I blinked and you were 9 months. Its funny how differently you are already being raised than your big brother. When he was born I had him on a schedule by 4 weeks old. He ate at specific times, slept at specific times and I was always at least two months ahead on knowing what developmental milestones to be watching for. For that reason I was always keenly aware of how he was growing.

Perfect little you.

  With you it has been different. I have been raising you with more of an "attachment style" of parenting. Not because I think it was bad how we raised Maximus. In fact, I have no regrets on how he was raised. However, I think every child has a different personality and a different set of needs and so I will parent based on what I think each of you need. In your case you have been a very laid back baby from the start. You are flexible and sweet. You slept like a champ when you were first born and we got into the habit of letting you nap while we were out and about. So, I never really got you on a strict schedule. Because of that, you have never really had specific eating times and instead did "demand feeding." This has always worked out just fine until recently when you have decided to "demand" to be breastfed 3+ times a night most nights. A couple of weeks ago, daddy and I tried to break you of this habit and he tried comforting you when you cried at night (since he had no way of breastfeeding you, we figured this would work). Oh.My.Goodness are you stubborn!!! You cried in his arms off and on for an hour multiple times until finally on the second night I gave up and decided to continue feeding you at night for a little while.
   While at night I may be exhausted getting up to nurse you, I am absolutely loving the level of attachment we have right now. I know from experience with your brother that in a couple of years you will be more interested in your daddy and less interested in me. Maybe that is why this time around I am letting you get away with demand feeding a little longer... When you are "demanding," you are wanting me, and it is my honor to be the one thing you want most of all right now.

I hope this attachment keeps us close forever. I know that eventually you will be more interested in your dad, your brother, your friends, and eventually girls (Lord help me). But I will always think back to this special time and know that I was your first love.

-Momma

Happy Days Picnicking with My Boys

Senses

My Sweet Titus,

   I write this "blog" for two primary reasons. One is to keep an ongoing dialogue to help me convey to you how much I love you. The other reason is more for me. It is a way for me to document memories that I want to hold on to. Like an Alzheimer's patient who knows they only have a limited amount of time to grasp onto the memories they so cherish, so am I desperate not to lose the experiences I have had with you as you grow up.

   Mostly, I try to hold onto images in my head- things I can see- your expressions, your movements, your characteristics. This is why I always have a camera in your face. I want to make sure I never forget how cute you are in each moment... "Oh look at that crooked smile with one dimple," "I can't believe how LONG those arms are," "Awwww, I love how he stares up in adoration at his brother," "He is so cute with green beans all over his face." Sometimes I don't have a camera but I try to take a mental picture. For example, tonight you were on your tummy on the floor with daddy and he was


trying to help you learn to crawl. You were all sprawled out and trying to shimmy your way across the floor, but you looked like a fish out of water trying to swim.

  Lately I find my self taking more videos... because I want to be able to hear you too. You make all of the typical baby sounds, but they sound especially sweet because they come from you. You have really enjoyed making "spitting" sounds and guttural growls lately. You also love to make the "gggggg" sound if you are very happy.  I even want to remember your cry. That sound that can make me jump out of bed even out of a very deep sleep, and helps me to know you need me. Even more, I love the sound of you as you are soothed to sleep and sometimes make a tired little moaning sound. I have noticed you do this a lot when I pray for you, as though you are trying to pray along with me.

   Now if only I could find a way to capture smells and physical touch. I need a camera that will help me to always remember how your little feet feel in my hand and how incredibly smooth your new, innocent skin feels when I stroke your arms and legs while we are nursing. I already miss the heavy feeling of your tiny, warm little body curled up in my arms while you are deep asleep- (because at this time you rarely fall asleep in my arms).

  I love how you smell so clean and so familiar when I hold you close. I love how when daddy has been holding you and hands you over to me how you smell like his cologne. I even have come to appreciate how I constantly smell like breast-milk because breast-milk is one of the greatest links you and I share.

   I want to remember it all. I want to be able to always remember the sounds, sights, smells and feel of things when we get home in the evenings from work and picking you up at grammy and paps' house. It is the busiest and most hectic time of day--- the dogs are always inevitably barking and running around, you are usually crying a little because by then you are hungry and I am taking too long to feed you. Maximus is usually begging to play on my phone, I am burning dinner or making a mess by spilling things as I rush around, daddy turns on politics or sports on the TV and eventually we all sit down, say a prayer and eat for a few brief minutes before starting the whole crazy cleanup process. I get so anxious during those times. I feel like everything is out of control and in the moment I just wish I could fast forward time and get to the end of the night when everything is calmer. But really, it is those hectic, busy, noisy times that I will miss most someday. It is a summary of us. Our little, loud and crazy family.

I love you so much Titus,
Mommy

Perspective

My love,
  This morning I woke up early with you and was walking around a quiet house trying to lull you back to sleep. The sun was just starting to peek over the horizon and as I walked over to the window I started to yawn and think about how exhausted I was. We have been in Ohio for the past week and between late nights with the family, your brother's over-tired night terrors and your frequent night feedings, I am going on about 4 hours of sleep a night.
   Well, I don't know what it was, but in that grayish morning light, up in the loft of grandma Nini's house, while holding you all wrapped up in the faded yellow blanket that used to be your daddy's, I became overwhelmed with a perspective that I desperately needed.  I began thinking about how lucky I am to be exhausted because I am up at night taking care of my sweet babies. My sweet, healthy, perfect babies. Not only do I get to be the one to feed and comfort you when you need me at night, but so often I look down at you with my tired, burning eyes and you stare at me and smile a smile that says, "I'm happy because I am with you." That smile awakens my soul and reminds me why exhaustion is a blessing and there is nothing- not even sleep- that I would rather be doing than swaying back and forth and gazing at you.


   Unfortunately I know many people who have a lot more to complain about than being tired. Just this week aunt Kelly went to a funeral of a young girl who died of leukemia. She and her parents found out about the cancer less than a month before she died. I have friends who are unable to have children, I follow blogs of mothers whose children have lost battles to terminal illnesses and hear stories of babies who only live a few hours or who are stillborn. These parents' exhaustion comes as a result of intense grief and intrusive memories that keep them up at night. Their eyes burn from tears, and one of their greatest hopes is that they will dream about their babies so they can be with them again.
   So how can I ever complain? How can I ever whine or feel like a victim because I get to wake up and hold you? So this morning rather than racking my brain for ways to get you back to sleep so I can rest longer, I just held you, delighted in you and thanked God for that time.

A Love Letter

Dear Sweet Titus,
   Sometimes I just need to write a post so I can put to words the overwhelming emotion I have for you. This is one of those posts. I want to somehow capture how incredibly special this time in my life is. These are definitely the best days of my life. And that makes me a little sad. Its sad because I know it won't always be this way. As you grow up you will grow independent of me and I will be less relevant to you. This is just the natural course of things. I tear up imagining that one day holding you in my arms and comforting you when you cry will only be a memory. Older, wiser people tell me that every stage is good and that even when you are fully grown I will have a lot to look forward to- and I suppose they are right, but I just can't imagine anything on earth being better than having little ones in the home.
    You are very special. I guess every child is special to their momma, but I think there is something uniquely special and good about you. You are an abnormally sweet and easy-going baby. You have been that way since birth and everyone notices, not just me and daddy. Grammy and Paps always go on and on about how good you are, friends at the park notice, my grandma Hupp in Ohio who has never met you, said that she can tell there is something very sweet and special about you from pictures and videos she sees.  Even complete strangers say that you seem to be an extremely sweet baby. And they are all so right. You are a calming force to me. When I feel stressed or overwhelmed or mad or anxious, holding you makes me feel calm, joyful and grateful. Your smile melts away my stubbornness and selfishness. I can't understand how I have got it so good. I just pray that I can be a mom deserving of such a wonderful baby and that you and I will always be close.

I love you.

Momma

Going back to work...

Sweet Titus,

I cherish these moments.

   Its been 7 weeks since you were born. Its been the best 7 weeks of my life. I have been able to spend every day with you and your brother and every day I fall more and more in love with you both.  Every morning I wake out of bed with you in my arms. You have been a great sleeper, but usually around 4am you get gassy and cannot sleep unless you are laying on my chest. So every day in the wee hours of the morning I get to relish in the sweetness of feeling your tiny little body resting heavily on me. I know you take comfort in being with me like that because for 40 weeks you listened to my heart beat and the rhythm of my breathing while you slept.

Snuggle time with daddy.

   We then spend the mornings playing with Maximus, doing some housework, and often going on a jog to the park. You have been an unbelievably sweet and easy going baby. You are very content most of the day, and only cry when you really need something. This has been a blessing because Maximus is in a stage where he requires quite a bit of attention. Every afternoon he takes a nap and thats when you and I get some play time. You love laying on my bed and kicking your legs. You have started smiling and making adorable cooing sounds that I wish I could record and listen to over and over for the rest of my life.

Look how cute you are. You can see your sweetness in your eyes.

   On Tuesday I have to return to work. I am really struggling with this. I can't imagine being away from you for so long during the day. We haven't been apart in 11 months. It doesn't feel right to be away from my baby when you are still so little and we are so attached. I love that you need me so much right now and I guess I am afraid that this will make you need me less.  You will be at Grammy and Paps' house and I know you will be in good hands but I just wish I could be with you all of the time. I know that coming home each day is going to be the best feeling in the world because I will have you and Maximus and daddy there waiting on me.
   I love you so much Titus. I will always remember this very special time in my life where I had no other job but to be mommy to you and Maximus for 7 weeks. Its the best job there is.
-Mommy

Welcome to the World, My Sweet One

My dear sweet Titus,

   You are here! How do I find the words to convey how much I love you already?  It is so amazing how that works. Here you were, an unknown child growing in my body. I had never seen your face or heard your voice. I felt your movements (so many movements) in my belly for several months, but otherwise, we were strangers. Then there you were, born into the world and placed on my chest. Our eyes met and you were mine. All of the sudden I loved you with an indescribable love that I have only experienced with your brother before.

   You were born on January 12, 2014 at 6:00pm on the dot. I had been in labor off and on for a week, having contractions mostly at night. Then Saturday night I had contractions all night long. By Sunday morning daddy insisted that we go to the hospital. There I found out that I was active labor and my water had broken. It had been a dream of mine to have a VBAC- a natural birth instead of a C-section. I had an emergency C-section with Maximus, which made sense at that time, but I always wanted to be able to hold my baby first when he came out of me. So thats what we decided to do, and after 9 more hours of laboring at the hospital, you were born. It was like I had always dreamed. The lights were low in the delivery room. Just your daddy, me, the doctor and the nurse were there. When they told me it was time to push you out, daddy said I had a big smile on my face. After 25 minutes I pushed you out and they laid you right on my chest. Daddy cut the cord and we both sat there in amazement staring at you.




    Because mommy had a high fever during labor, you came out very hot. You needed to be treated for infection just in case. You spent the first 48 hours in the NICU and had to be on oxygen and monitored. Daddy and I spent as much time in there with you as possible. I was able to breastfeed you around the clock and we could hold you as much as we wanted. Poor Maximus was sad that he couldn't see you after you initially met in the delivery room because he wasn't allowed in the NICU.
   On Tuesday, the 14th they released both you and me at 8:30 pm and we all went home as a family and started this next chapter of our lives. So far you are the sweetest and most pleasant baby I have ever been around. You barely cry and you sleep really well. When you are awake and alert you just look around and make sweet cooing sounds.
   We all adore you so much and I believe you are very blessed.  When you were born the OB was shocked to find that you had a "true knot" in your cord. Apparently this happens very rarely and usually results in stillbirth. Somehow you were protected and had no issues related to the knot. When I took you to the pediatrician 5 days after you were born, he said you were a miracle and that the hand of God is on you because you thrived despite the knot. I believe he is right. There is something very remarkable about you and I believe it is from the Lord. I can't wait to watch you grow and see how this manifests in you as you get older.

I love you so much my little boy. I promise you I will do anything and everything in my power to protect you and give you a good life.

Mommy