Its Been Awhile...

My Sweet Titus,

Saying Goodbye to Trooper

   It has been a long time since I last wrote you a post. I had surgery last week and am taking advantage of the downtime to catch up on important things that I have let slide for awhile. Life has been crazy. Since my last blog post you have had two foster brothers, you started (and finished) your first year of preschool and, just last week, we had to put our beloved Trooper down. Trooper was almost 15 years old and had been declining for the past year and had started picking fights with Bones, who is younger, bigger and stronger and always won the fights. We decided to put Trooper down after one such fight where it seemed he broke his leg. It was a very emotional day for the whole family. We all went to the vet together. In the midst of all the emotion I couldn't help but take time to appreciate how you, a four year old little boy, were so aware of what was going on. You were appropriately sad and emotional but you made the effort to comfort Trooper and all of us. You kept talking about Trooper going to heaven (Rainbow bridge). You seemed to have remarkable perspective even though the concept of death was brand new to you.

You and Malachi in Your Robes

   I think you are good to your core. I think you genuinely love and are ok with putting others' needs before your own. I have been noticing that more and more as you grow. Usually that is something that has to be taught, and that some people develop as they get older and learn about the world. But for you, it seems to be coming natural. Its who you are. I mentioned your two foster brothers- James and Malachi. Both of them have been very close in age to you and both have had some challenges. It is often expected that a child in your position may act out or treat the other kids poorly because they are challenging your role in the family. But you have been the one in our family who has most easily and most fully embraced them as our family members. You have a gentle and accepting manner with them. You fight with them like brothers do but you don't fight with them like they are intruders in our home.

That Perfect Little Face

   Nonetheless the past two years have been very stressful on our family. Having an additional family member, especially one with unique needs, changes the dynamic of the household and has impacted how we all interact. There rarely seems like enough time in the day to manage everything let alone to do it well. I find that I don't get to play with you kids as much as I thought I would at this stage in life. I am in a bad mood more than I would like to admit, and we don't get a lot of one-on-one time like we did when you and Maximus were younger. That said, fostering has been beneficial to our family in countless ways, and I believe we have been a blessing to the kids who have lived with us. I don't think we will ever leave the foster system completely, but we may take a break from having kids live with us for awhile once Malachi returns home. We need some time to re-focus and some downtime to really enjoy what we have as a little family. I don't want to grow old one day and not know that I took every opportunity to laugh and be silly with you, to stare at your sweet face, or to hold your little hands while they were still little.  I want to fully absorb those sleepy hugs I get early in the morning when you wake up and stumble into my bathroom where I am getting ready for work. Your eyes are always half closed from the bright light, you hug me for a long time then back up and hand me each of your toys that you sleep with and carry with you in the mornings (cow, froggy, "Titus the frog," and a small Mickey Mouse) one by one while I name them. Such a simple little memory but one that will always be a favorite of mine.
   Well in two weeks you will be starting Pre-Kindergarten and I can hardly believe it. You will be with your buddy Lincoln this year again and in Ms. Burnette's class, which is who your big brother had. I am looking forward to seeing how you grow in this next year and to continue to enjoy being your mommy!
I love you sweet one.