The Best of Times

Titus,
  It is official, the 12-24 month stage is my favorite.  Its when I have some of my fondest memories of your brother and its where you are now and you are reminding me just how fun it is.  You are really starting to understand the world. You think your brother is hilarious. You try to say a lot of words and you remember things that I never thought you would.  Its so fun to watch you interact with big kids because you think you are one of them.  At Maximus' soccer games you always run out onto the field with one of the spare balls and try to dribble toward the other kids.  You know you are being ornery sometimes and give me that little grin and run and try to get away with things. The way you walk and run is also so precious. You put those little hands up and try to balance as you move those little tootsies so fast.  I always say, "come here you, get over here you," and you run away shrieking with laughter.  You see your big brother give me flowers and you have started picking them off of our branches and bringing me crumbled petals. I wish I could save them all so I take pictures of all of them.
   As much fun as I am having with you boys, I regret to say I don't always act like it. While this is such a fun and happy time in life it is also very busy... and loud... and chaotic.  I admittedly don't do well when there is not order and calmness around me. So sometimes I start to get over-stimulated when you are crying, Maximus is whining, the dogs are scratching at the door, the family room looks like Christmas morning and I am trying to make dinner or do something else that requires my attention. Sometimes I stay rational enough to calmly distract you and Maximus with a game, the TV or whatever.  Sometimes I take a "mommy time out" and lock myself in my room for a few minutes until I hear you and Maximus stop crying (I keep you gated in the family room). Also sometimes I don't keep it together and I yell.  I almost always immediately feel bad, but I still can't seem to keep from doing it sometimes.

Your little tootsie is always sticking out

   Everyone says boys are hard when they are younger... and I suppose that is true. You guys are a lot of work at this stage because so much of what you do requires me to help you. While that is "hard" sometimes, it is also the biggest blessing I will ever receive- the opportunity to be such an integral part of your development and growth. One time recently your Paps looked at me when I was about to have a moment of panic/yelling and he said, "just think, all of this chaos is the sound of your happiness."  And he was so right. Someday I'm sure I would give anything to have my floors covered in toy trucks and soccer balls and super heroes. Someday I will see a water bottle and wish I could hear your sweet little one year old voice saying "mama" and pointing to it because you don't know how to say "water."
   The truth is, I am in the best days of my life. And even if I get overwhelmed sometimes, I won't lose sight of that truth. I love you so much. Thanks for being my joy.

Mama

The best swing. You stayed there for 30 minutes with me.

Walking, Talking Titus

Oh Titus you are in a fun stage!  We just got back from a trip to Ohio to visit family and by the end of the trip you had started walking pretty well.  We have been encouraging you for a few months now but you were mostly uninterested. I think being with your cousins helped.  Now we are home and you walk everywhere. You follow me around the house more quickly now that you don't have to crawl and you love walking around outside.  You always get this grin on your face because I think you feel confident and happy now that you can walk.  You are also very assertive. When you are walking you are always pointing and babbling as though you are telling us what to do. Its adorable. Your favorite sound to make it "ck."  You say "ck" for "truck" and "car" and "drink." I love it. I love how you think you are saying the real word.

I think you are going to be a very tough and strong minded little boy. You know exactly what you want and you make it known.  And even when you get hurt you don't make a big deal of it.  You might cry for a second but then you just kind of stand up and move on.  I guess you have to be tough since you have a big brother. You love it when he chases you and you chase him back.  Sometimes he playfully pushes you and you fall down, but it doesn't seem to bother you much, most of the time you just laugh and get back up.

The second year is probably my favorite stage for babies. Its when you will really start to understand the world around you and we will start to understand who you are as your own little person.  I am loving it so far. Everything about you is perfect in my eyes.

Love,
 Momma

Counting in Years

Happy Birthday Titus! Today we start counting in years as you turn one. It sounds so cliche to say but the time has gone so incredibly fast. Its hard for me to believe. Both the best part and the worst part about having kids is watching them grow up. At least this is something I am acutely aware of, and so I think I do pretty well at recognizing and basking in this absolutely perfect time in my life.

Right now I am watching you on the monitor as you crawl around in your crib happily playing with your stuffed animals and making sweet cooing sounds. Soon those sounds will be words and then sentences. Just in the past couple of weeks you seem to be more intentional in your interactions with me. You make your needs and desires very clear. Part of that is difficult as it means you have started throwing tantrums. Its also been really great because now you will make sounds and actions in order to get a reaction. For example, when I am rocking you at night and whispering sweet things to you, you always smile a great big ornery smile and shake your head no. You do it because you know I will say "yes I do," and then you will shake your head no again and laugh. I love those sweet moments with you.

As you grow cognitively you also are growing physically at a remarkable pace. You are shaping up to be a tall little guy- currently taller than 98% of kids your age. Your head is also huge- a trait your dad claims you get from me because I have a big head too. I just tell him it means we have big brains :). You are still on the skinny side, but you eat like a giant! The doctor said you must have a high metabolism because of how much you eat and poop! Luckily you eat good food too, not just junk. So far there are very few things I have found that you won't eat.  We had your first birthday party this weekend and you man-handled that cake! It was so funny to watch. And you loved playing with your balloons and interacting with everyone who came to the party. Grandma Nene even came from Ohio to help us celebrate you. One thing is very clear... you are loved extraordinarily by many, many people. I hope you recognize and feel that every day of your life.

Of course no one loves you as much as I do. We have a bond that no one can duplicate. My love for you is different than for anyone else. You are a calming presence to me. You are so incredibly innocent and sweet and when I look at you all of the chaos in my mind goes away. You don't even realize how powerful you are. You are every bit my baby, and yet you are growing up so fast.

I love you my 1 year old!  Happy Birthday to you!

Mommy

You riding your new tricycle with Maximus

Kisses for Mommy

Dear Titus,

You giving me kisses during our family photo shoot.

   I just want to record something sweet that you did recently that I never want to forget. Lately you have started giving kisses. Its not exactly a lips-together-smooch kind of kiss, though. Instead you do what all babies do when they are first learning to show affection- you open your little bird mouth and lean in to the object of your affection and give a sloppy, wet kiss.
   Well the other day, daddy, Maximus, you and I were playing around in the family room. Daddy started holding Maximus down and tickling him and I would "save Maximus from the tickle monster.' Then, the "tickle monster" turned on me and held me down and tickled me. Well... Mommy DOES NOT like to be tickled. I started screaming and pleading, and I am sure I sounded pretty dramatic and upset. Then, all of the sudden, you came crawling over as fast as you could and started kissing my face with your little bird mouth.

You and Me

    I think you were kissing me because thats what I do for you when you are hurt or upset. Its a natural reflex for me to just start kissing you to make it "all better." So, when I was upset you did the same for me.  It was such a subtle little thing, but it meant the world to me.

Those are the moments I live for.  I love you so much baby boy.

Mommy

Attached

Hi sweet Titus. You are 9 months old now. It sounds cliche but I really don't know how that is possible. It felt like it took forever for you to get here and then you got here and I blinked and you were 9 months. Its funny how differently you are already being raised than your big brother. When he was born I had him on a schedule by 4 weeks old. He ate at specific times, slept at specific times and I was always at least two months ahead on knowing what developmental milestones to be watching for. For that reason I was always keenly aware of how he was growing.

Perfect little you.

  With you it has been different. I have been raising you with more of an "attachment style" of parenting. Not because I think it was bad how we raised Maximus. In fact, I have no regrets on how he was raised. However, I think every child has a different personality and a different set of needs and so I will parent based on what I think each of you need. In your case you have been a very laid back baby from the start. You are flexible and sweet. You slept like a champ when you were first born and we got into the habit of letting you nap while we were out and about. So, I never really got you on a strict schedule. Because of that, you have never really had specific eating times and instead did "demand feeding." This has always worked out just fine until recently when you have decided to "demand" to be breastfed 3+ times a night most nights. A couple of weeks ago, daddy and I tried to break you of this habit and he tried comforting you when you cried at night (since he had no way of breastfeeding you, we figured this would work). Oh.My.Goodness are you stubborn!!! You cried in his arms off and on for an hour multiple times until finally on the second night I gave up and decided to continue feeding you at night for a little while.
   While at night I may be exhausted getting up to nurse you, I am absolutely loving the level of attachment we have right now. I know from experience with your brother that in a couple of years you will be more interested in your daddy and less interested in me. Maybe that is why this time around I am letting you get away with demand feeding a little longer... When you are "demanding," you are wanting me, and it is my honor to be the one thing you want most of all right now.

I hope this attachment keeps us close forever. I know that eventually you will be more interested in your dad, your brother, your friends, and eventually girls (Lord help me). But I will always think back to this special time and know that I was your first love.

-Momma

Happy Days Picnicking with My Boys

Senses

My Sweet Titus,

   I write this "blog" for two primary reasons. One is to keep an ongoing dialogue to help me convey to you how much I love you. The other reason is more for me. It is a way for me to document memories that I want to hold on to. Like an Alzheimer's patient who knows they only have a limited amount of time to grasp onto the memories they so cherish, so am I desperate not to lose the experiences I have had with you as you grow up.

   Mostly, I try to hold onto images in my head- things I can see- your expressions, your movements, your characteristics. This is why I always have a camera in your face. I want to make sure I never forget how cute you are in each moment... "Oh look at that crooked smile with one dimple," "I can't believe how LONG those arms are," "Awwww, I love how he stares up in adoration at his brother," "He is so cute with green beans all over his face." Sometimes I don't have a camera but I try to take a mental picture. For example, tonight you were on your tummy on the floor with daddy and he was


trying to help you learn to crawl. You were all sprawled out and trying to shimmy your way across the floor, but you looked like a fish out of water trying to swim.

  Lately I find my self taking more videos... because I want to be able to hear you too. You make all of the typical baby sounds, but they sound especially sweet because they come from you. You have really enjoyed making "spitting" sounds and guttural growls lately. You also love to make the "gggggg" sound if you are very happy.  I even want to remember your cry. That sound that can make me jump out of bed even out of a very deep sleep, and helps me to know you need me. Even more, I love the sound of you as you are soothed to sleep and sometimes make a tired little moaning sound. I have noticed you do this a lot when I pray for you, as though you are trying to pray along with me.

   Now if only I could find a way to capture smells and physical touch. I need a camera that will help me to always remember how your little feet feel in my hand and how incredibly smooth your new, innocent skin feels when I stroke your arms and legs while we are nursing. I already miss the heavy feeling of your tiny, warm little body curled up in my arms while you are deep asleep- (because at this time you rarely fall asleep in my arms).

  I love how you smell so clean and so familiar when I hold you close. I love how when daddy has been holding you and hands you over to me how you smell like his cologne. I even have come to appreciate how I constantly smell like breast-milk because breast-milk is one of the greatest links you and I share.

   I want to remember it all. I want to be able to always remember the sounds, sights, smells and feel of things when we get home in the evenings from work and picking you up at grammy and paps' house. It is the busiest and most hectic time of day--- the dogs are always inevitably barking and running around, you are usually crying a little because by then you are hungry and I am taking too long to feed you. Maximus is usually begging to play on my phone, I am burning dinner or making a mess by spilling things as I rush around, daddy turns on politics or sports on the TV and eventually we all sit down, say a prayer and eat for a few brief minutes before starting the whole crazy cleanup process. I get so anxious during those times. I feel like everything is out of control and in the moment I just wish I could fast forward time and get to the end of the night when everything is calmer. But really, it is those hectic, busy, noisy times that I will miss most someday. It is a summary of us. Our little, loud and crazy family.

I love you so much Titus,
Mommy

Perspective

My love,
  This morning I woke up early with you and was walking around a quiet house trying to lull you back to sleep. The sun was just starting to peek over the horizon and as I walked over to the window I started to yawn and think about how exhausted I was. We have been in Ohio for the past week and between late nights with the family, your brother's over-tired night terrors and your frequent night feedings, I am going on about 4 hours of sleep a night.
   Well, I don't know what it was, but in that grayish morning light, up in the loft of grandma Nini's house, while holding you all wrapped up in the faded yellow blanket that used to be your daddy's, I became overwhelmed with a perspective that I desperately needed.  I began thinking about how lucky I am to be exhausted because I am up at night taking care of my sweet babies. My sweet, healthy, perfect babies. Not only do I get to be the one to feed and comfort you when you need me at night, but so often I look down at you with my tired, burning eyes and you stare at me and smile a smile that says, "I'm happy because I am with you." That smile awakens my soul and reminds me why exhaustion is a blessing and there is nothing- not even sleep- that I would rather be doing than swaying back and forth and gazing at you.


   Unfortunately I know many people who have a lot more to complain about than being tired. Just this week aunt Kelly went to a funeral of a young girl who died of leukemia. She and her parents found out about the cancer less than a month before she died. I have friends who are unable to have children, I follow blogs of mothers whose children have lost battles to terminal illnesses and hear stories of babies who only live a few hours or who are stillborn. These parents' exhaustion comes as a result of intense grief and intrusive memories that keep them up at night. Their eyes burn from tears, and one of their greatest hopes is that they will dream about their babies so they can be with them again.
   So how can I ever complain? How can I ever whine or feel like a victim because I get to wake up and hold you? So this morning rather than racking my brain for ways to get you back to sleep so I can rest longer, I just held you, delighted in you and thanked God for that time.