Geri and GZ

 Dear Titus,

  Christmas just ended and we are now in the year 2022. You turn 8 next week! I can't believe it has been 8 years of having you in my life. I still remember just how it felt to hold you as a sleepy little baby. 

  I was laying in bed the other night thinking how I wanted to write a note so I don't forget about you and how much you love our Elf on the Shelf, Geri. We have had her for several years now. I am pretty sure Maximus no longer believes she is real (although he has not told me that yet) but to you she is still a member of our family.  And to make things more fun, a few years ago she married "Zipper," the Grudecki's elf and they have since had a baby who you all named "G-Z." So now every night from Thanksgiving to Christmas she is supposedly going back and forth from the North Pole to our house and has to be in a different spot each morning when you wake up.

  One of my favorite things is waking up in the morning to the sound of you clicking on the lights. Usually when you get up in the morning you don't turn on any lights at all and the first thing I hear is the tv. But during Christmas time you wake up every morning eagerly searching the house for your Geri. And when you find her you can't wait to show me. It has made it totally worth staying up late to do it. Sometimes I fall asleep before your do and so I wake up in a frenzy in the middle of the night rushing to make sure she has moved. 

Last year you had a really hard time when she left. In fact you would pray to God for her to be able to come back for a short visit in the middle of the year. This year you did ok when she left but dad heard you talking to her saying goodbye on Christmas Eve. I am worried that it will be hard for you when you stop believing in Santa and the elves but I hope you look back on these years with fondness. Your love is real even if the elf isn't. 

I love you buddy. You make Christmas special to me. 

Mom

Separation Anxiety

 Hi Sweet Titus,

     I wanted to take a minute and make a little note to you. Today was your first day back to school in four weeks! You had two weeks off for winter break and the two weeks before that you were off because I tested positive for Covid-19 and so we quarantined the whole family at home.  We had a great 4 weeks with a lot of quality time together, which made today a little rough. It broke my heart to drop you off today when you had tears in your eyes and kept saying, "I don't want to leave you." I couldn't tell you that I didn't want to leave you either, so I decided to just type it here. I had separation anxiety as a kid and I remember how sad I was to leave my mom on school days, especially after long breaks, and I hated that you had to feel that way today. Truth be told I also kind of loved knowing that you would miss me because I knew how much I would miss you too.

   I also wanted to put a note in about an interaction we had this weekend that I want to remember because I think it captures your sweet and kind character.  We were all in the minivan going to a hike and dad and I were talking about teachers doing a "sick out" at work to protest in person schooling during the pandemic. Dad and I are both pretty mad that teachers are doing that and I imagine you picked up on that in the conversation. We pulled up to the state park where we were going to hike and I saw an older lady with gray hair who was working there. I said, "look at her, she didn't get to do a sickout and she is at much higher risk than those teachers!" I don't think you understood what I was saying (I was talking to your dad) but I think you interpreted me to be angry at the lady. You remained quiet as we pulled up and I spoke to the lady. As we pulled away, you sweetly said, "well she was really nice at least, mom." I thought it was so precious the way you quietly observed all that was said and then formed your own opinion and spoke up for the lady, even though it didn't really benefit you in any way to do so. I hope you continue to do that as you grow up and I hope that others recognize the genuine goodness in you.

I love you so much. 

Mommy

Bedtime

Hey buddy,

I just wanted to share this audio clip with you so we can always remember it. Every night I tuck you and Maximus in one at a time. We talk a little about the day, I pray for you and then we sing a song. I always sing "You Are My Sunshine" to you and then I sing "Never Grow Up" to Maximus. You recently started complaining that Maximus' song is longer and so I started singing "Joy Invincible" to you too. That song has always reminded me of you because whenever I am having a bad day or I am down about something, you are always able to make me feel joy. Thats been especially helpful these past several months as we have been dealing with the craziness of 2020. The other night when I was tucking you in I recorded us singing together so that I can listen to it for the rest of my life and remember these sweet moments we have together now. 

 

Black Lives Matter

Hey buddy,
 
   2020 has been unlike any other year I have been alive. First, the coronavirus struck and subsequently the world as we know it was shut down. This has devastated the economy and left most of us wondering when/if/how we will come out of this.
   Then on May 25, 2020 a black man named George Floyd was killed by a white police officer while being arrested. The whole thing was caught on video and was horrifying to watch. I couldn't watch the whole thing. George was choked by the officer who was kneeling on his neck. The video got out and the whole country (and much of the world) was horrified. People began marching in the streets and protesting, holding signs and chanting about the injustices that they have experienced or witnessed in the world.
    You and Maximus have grown up knowing and loving people of color, some of whom are your family. You have often noted their different skin tones, but its always been sort of a side note/observation and hasn't really warranted much conversation. Dad and I may have been remiss up to this point because we have never really talked to you directly about racism. But as the events following Floyd's death unfolded, I felt like the most tangible and necessary thing we could do was to have some discussion within our family about this very difficult issue. We ordered children's books on slavery, segregation and Martin Luther King. We spent the week reading through them together and you and Maximus were both very interested and asked a lot of questions. You seemed excited by what MLK did and said. Still, it felt like an abstract concept for a 6 year old.
    Then last week I picked you up from grammy and paps'. As we were leaving, the maintenance man from their complex stopped by and started going on about how he was quitting his job there. During his rant he used language and talked about people of color in a way that made me cringe. It was some of the most overt racism I have personally experienced and he did it right there in front of my kids.  I didn't know how to effectively confront the man so instead we just got up and left. Once we got in the car I talked to you guys about what we just experienced. I told you that it was an example of racism. You kind of cut me off and said, "why do we still have to talk about this!?" I thought you were annoyed by having to have a serious conversation and I said, "because it is important that we talk about it. What that man said was wrong." And you said, "No, I mean, why are we still talking about this?!? Martin Luther King fought for this a long time ago so why is it still happening?" You seemed genuinely perplexed and also so very wise.
   On the drive home we just so happened to drive through a neighborhood protest where people were holding signs and waving at cars as we drove past. They were black and white people and they had signs saying things like, "The answer is LOVE." We honked and waved and cheered with them.
  All of that happened within about a 20 minute period. It was intense but I think it was a really great way for you and Maximus to see the impact of racism first hand so that you are better prepared to be champions against it as you grow.


 

2020 Quarantine

Dear Titus,

  Today was Easter 2020. It was great. It was one of the most low key holidays we have ever had. You boys woke up and checked out your Easter baskets, we made "resurrection rolls" and watched church online. Then you and Maximus made some pictures and filled a basket of candy for grammy and

paps and we went over to their house with donuts. We had to leave the treats on their doorstep then stay 6 feet away when we visited with them. That's because we are in the middle of the Coronavirus Pandemic. A virus that started in China has spread throughout the world and is highly contagious. People catch it quickly and many people have to be hospitalized or even die from it. In order to reduce transmission, the local, state and federal government has put orders into effect limiting contact that people can have outside of their home. It's been really weird. Your school shut down for the rest of the year in March. Dad and I have both been working from home and trying to homeschool you and Maximus. Restaurants and businesses are shut down. There is a lot of hysteria in the news. They recommend that you wear face masks when in public and you are supposed to stay at least 6 feet away from people at all times. So, needless to say, you, Maximus, dad and I have spent a lot of time together lately. We get a little stir crazy sometimes and we miss our friends and family. You spend 30 minutes every school morning on a zoom meeting with your classmates. Yesterday we met grandma, granny Ann, and the Boggs at Dairy Queen drive through and sat across the parking lot from each other in our cars. Luckily the weather in AZ is still really nice and we get to be outside a lot. You and Maximus play basketball on our driveway every day and we go on a lot of walks. 

   You and I were supposed to go on a mommy-son trip to Universal Studios and Santa Monica over spring break. The day we left though, we drove halfway there and decided to turn around because everything was being shut down because of COVID19. I was really sad and cried. You weren’t too sad. You were actually more sad about leaving Maximus and dad so I think you were relieved to head home. You are always kind of a homebody. Still, I hope we will get to do a 1:1 trip together next year or sometime so we can make memories together. 

     We still see the Grudeckis a lot. We haven't really quarantined from them. We did an Easter Egg hunt with them today at the park. It was really sweet. I loved watching you run carefree and be so excited when you would find an egg. I would give you hints on where to find them, because I wanted you to get a lot <3. I loved watching you open your eggs and fill your mouth full of jelly Beans. 

This morning when you and Maximus were looking through your baskets I looked at dad and said, "this may be one of the last Easters we have like this." I don't know how much longer the holidays will be magic for you so I am glad this one was so special. You and Maximus both slept in our bed last night because the thought of a giant bunny hopping through our house is kind of terrifying (for all of us). HAHA. It's not often that we let you and your brother both sleep in our bed but when you do you both always want to sleep on my side. You both say you like how my pillow smells. I think it smells like my shampoo or something. When dad asks why you don't like his side you always say, "because your pillow smells like hot gravy!" HAHAH.  I don't know where you got that but it always cracks me up. 

     I love you buddy. Thanks for making today so magical for me. 

Mommy

Sweet Things I Want to Remember

Hi Titus,

  Again it has been way too long since I wrote to you. Over a year this time. Multiple times every week you say things that make me think, "I need to write that down." In your sweet, gentle way, you same some of the wisest and sweetest things that make me stop in my tracks. A couple weeks ago we were in loading up the van to drive home from Flagstaff and you just said, "I love you mommy" and then "I thank God that you are my mommy." I don't know what made you say all that but it made me feel like the happiest person in the world.
  You are in kindergarten now and doing great. You are reading, learning math and getting along well with all your classmates. You get "blue days" almost every day. Blue is the highest level in the behavior chart that your teacher uses. When you first started kindergarten you had a couple of orange and green days but now you are almost always blue. I just love when I pick you up on Wednesdays (the only day that I get off work early enough to pick you guys up from school) and you run out and say, "Guess what! Today I got a red" with an ornery grin on your face. I pretend to believe you for a moment but you can't contain yourself and always tell me right away, "just kidding! I got a blue!"I recently had a parent-teacher conference with your teacher Mrs. Arnold. She was telling me how sweet you are and how great of questions you ask. She said you have a very "evolved brain." She was saying how often kids your age ask very simple questions and they are usually more self-centered. She noticed with you, though, that you always seem to understand context and you have concern for how other people feel. I have witnessed that a lot with you. Sometimes I probably expose you to too much compared to most parents. I have talked to you at length about homelessness, drugs, kidnappers, the Holocaust, among others. You always listen carefully and ask a lot of questions and I can see the wheels turning in your mind as you try to wrap your head around how people live and survive with such different circumstances than your own. I want you to know that there is good and bad in the world and I want you to always be a champion for good and stand up for the weak and vulnerable. From what I can see, this comes very naturally to you.

 I love you so much my sweet boy. I am so grateful that you are my son.

Mommy       .       

Its Been Awhile...

My Sweet Titus,

Saying Goodbye to Trooper

   It has been a long time since I last wrote you a post. I had surgery last week and am taking advantage of the downtime to catch up on important things that I have let slide for awhile. Life has been crazy. Since my last blog post you have had two foster brothers, you started (and finished) your first year of preschool and, just last week, we had to put our beloved Trooper down. Trooper was almost 15 years old and had been declining for the past year and had started picking fights with Bones, who is younger, bigger and stronger and always won the fights. We decided to put Trooper down after one such fight where it seemed he broke his leg. It was a very emotional day for the whole family. We all went to the vet together. In the midst of all the emotion I couldn't help but take time to appreciate how you, a four year old little boy, were so aware of what was going on. You were appropriately sad and emotional but you made the effort to comfort Trooper and all of us. You kept talking about Trooper going to heaven (Rainbow bridge). You seemed to have remarkable perspective even though the concept of death was brand new to you.

You and Malachi in Your Robes

   I think you are good to your core. I think you genuinely love and are ok with putting others' needs before your own. I have been noticing that more and more as you grow. Usually that is something that has to be taught, and that some people develop as they get older and learn about the world. But for you, it seems to be coming natural. Its who you are. I mentioned your two foster brothers- James and Malachi. Both of them have been very close in age to you and both have had some challenges. It is often expected that a child in your position may act out or treat the other kids poorly because they are challenging your role in the family. But you have been the one in our family who has most easily and most fully embraced them as our family members. You have a gentle and accepting manner with them. You fight with them like brothers do but you don't fight with them like they are intruders in our home.

That Perfect Little Face

   Nonetheless the past two years have been very stressful on our family. Having an additional family member, especially one with unique needs, changes the dynamic of the household and has impacted how we all interact. There rarely seems like enough time in the day to manage everything let alone to do it well. I find that I don't get to play with you kids as much as I thought I would at this stage in life. I am in a bad mood more than I would like to admit, and we don't get a lot of one-on-one time like we did when you and Maximus were younger. That said, fostering has been beneficial to our family in countless ways, and I believe we have been a blessing to the kids who have lived with us. I don't think we will ever leave the foster system completely, but we may take a break from having kids live with us for awhile once Malachi returns home. We need some time to re-focus and some downtime to really enjoy what we have as a little family. I don't want to grow old one day and not know that I took every opportunity to laugh and be silly with you, to stare at your sweet face, or to hold your little hands while they were still little.  I want to fully absorb those sleepy hugs I get early in the morning when you wake up and stumble into my bathroom where I am getting ready for work. Your eyes are always half closed from the bright light, you hug me for a long time then back up and hand me each of your toys that you sleep with and carry with you in the mornings (cow, froggy, "Titus the frog," and a small Mickey Mouse) one by one while I name them. Such a simple little memory but one that will always be a favorite of mine.
   Well in two weeks you will be starting Pre-Kindergarten and I can hardly believe it. You will be with your buddy Lincoln this year again and in Ms. Burnette's class, which is who your big brother had. I am looking forward to seeing how you grow in this next year and to continue to enjoy being your mommy!
I love you sweet one.