I Can Feel The Ocean

Ty Ty,

Hammock Time

  Last weekend we went to Mexico as a family with our good friends the Grudeckis and the Dwiggins. It was a great time for everyone because all of the kids get along so well with each other. You had your buddy Lincoln there and you loved following Gracee around all weekend.  I had fun with the grown ups and watching you and Maximus play. But I gotta tell you, my favorite part of the whole trip was the 1:1 time I got with you.  The first day I had a shirt on that said "I Can Feel the Ocean" from a Switchfoot song so you kept asking me to play the song. It kind of became our song for the weekend. Whenever we went into the ocean, you were kind of scared and wanted me to hold you and sing that song to you, so for a long time thats just what we did. When we were in the pool you wanted me to hold you too, and we even took a nap in the hammocks together and played that song on my phone. I loved every minute of it. And since coming home we have had some great moments where you came over and asked me to dance with you and play that song. I just held you and we danced. I don't know how long you will want to be this close to me, but I count myself so blessed to have it this way. You just bring me so much peace, especially when you are in my arms.
   Love,
 Mommy

Always My Baby

My Sweet Titus,
  Life has changed a lot in the past two weeks.  We took in baby Hope as our first foster child.  She is an adorable, happy, smiley baby girl and we all bonded with her immediately.  It has been interesting to watch you and see how this addition changes you.

On our date

I love watching you play.

  In the past couple of weeks I have noticed a dissonance in you between wanting to be treated and coddled like a baby, and your adamant stance that you are a big boy, not a baby.  You have been more cuddly toward me and somewhat more "needy."  You have wanted your paci more often (its only supposed to be used for sleep), and you have been having more emotional outbursts than usual.  You seem to love baby Hope, but sometimes you are jealous of her. Tonight she was crying and I was laying on the floor with her and you came and laid on my belly with your head on my chest so I couldn't tend to Hope. I found myself torn between wanting to comfort the baby and wanting to soak in that moment with you. Luckily daddy helped out and comforted Hope so I could just hold you.  Last week we went on a date to get Gelato together and I have been taking more time to tuck you in at night so that you know you are special, even if there is a new baby in town. And you really are special.  I just can't get enough of your voice, your personality, and your beautiful face.  I also am borderline obsessed with your tootsies. You are so funny, smart and tough. You are curious and sweet. I love listening to you play with your superheroes, in your own little world, unaware of anything else around you.

I love this pic of you on a date with daddy...
Look how you are digging into daddy's gelato.

 At night when I tuck you in, I often say, "you are my baby." You correct me and say, "no I am a big boy," but then I tell you that even though you are a big boy, you will always be my baby, and you don't argue with that. :)

I love you so much TyTy

Big Brother Titus

Titus,

My cool kid.

  I want to take some time to write to you right now as we are approaching a major change in our family's life in the coming months.  Daddy and I have decided we want to open up our home to a foster child.  It was a decision that we made together and it was surprising how quickly we went from not having it on our mind to knowing it was what we needed to do.  We have always been pretty sure we would grow our family, but I wanted it to be through adoption and dad was unsure if he wanted to adopt or have more biological children. Neither of us had really considered foster care, mostly

Hugging buddy Lincoln. You are such a lover. 

because of the fear of how painful it could be for US.  However, something this past fall really struck us when we saw someone's facebook post about how many babies and children were sleeping on an office floor in some CPS office because there were not enough foster homes. For the first time I really let myself think about the fact that those kids are just like mine. They need snuggles and kisses and to laugh and be rocked to sleep.  They have fear and needs and behaviors. They are a gift from God. And they were sleeping on floors without anyone to meet their needs, let alone to snuggle and kiss them and make them laugh.  Daddy and I decided to go to an orientation and learn more about foster care. We agreed to start the process and see where it took us. Now we are about half way through and we have decided to take in one child at a time. We decided to take in a child under age 2, for your protection, but we are open to race and gender.  So, for the first time, we are expecting a child but we don't know anything about it.

Playing with your big brother

  My biggest fear in this whole process is that you will get hurt.  You are my baby and we have been so incredibly close in the past several months. You are used to being the baby and getting a certain level of attention from me, daddy and Maximus. Now, though, you will have to share your attention with a younger child who may have a lot of needs. I don't want you to think that you are in any way being replaced and I don't want you to think that you may be sent away the way a foster child could be.  You and your brother get along so well and never seem to be jealous of each other, but even Maximus seems a little apprehensive about another little one entering the home.  It will definitely change the dynamic of the family. It will definitely be hard to say goodbye if and when that day comes.  But daddy and I would not have decided to do this if we didn't think the good would outweigh any negative impact on you.  I think you will grow a lot and learn a lot and love a lot through the process. I pray it will give you perspective and compassion and a desire to change the world.  You are such an amazing little boy and I believe you can change the world.  So, we will start one child at a time, as a family.

I love you Ty Ty.

Mr. Articulate

Dear Sweet Titus,

   I don't know why people hate the "terrible twos." I think it is my favorite age.  I laugh every day and feel overwhelmed with joy because of you, my little two year old. My little, verbal, articulate two year old. The things that come out of a smart 2 year olds mouth are hilarious. You are quite certain that you are the ultimate authority around our house, you are acutely aware of how to manipulate us by your cuteness and you speak in full, descriptive sentences.  You don't just say "no" or "yes," you will answer very assertively like, "No I don't want that, sorry mommy." Your voice is so precious and sometimes you make the "L" sound instead of the "R" sound, so you say things like "I'm leally leally cold, mommy!"  You had swim lessons these past two weeks and you were so cold so you kept yelling that to me. We aren't allowed to go over to the pool during your lessons so I had to let you keep crying to me without comforting you. It was so hard but you ended up doing great at swimming and now you love the water!  You also have started saying, "haHAhaHAHA" about things when you are being ornery. Its so funny and I am not sure where you got it.  Yesterday you pulled the stickers off your "good boy chart" and said, "I took these off, HaHAhaHAHA!"

I think of you constantly when we are not together and when I get home you are always so excited to see me and run into my arms. You beam at me and it is the best feeling in the world. Your little face is always messy, your hair is crazy and we call you "rooster boy" sometimes. You are so tough and yet so tender. You chase Maximus around and try to beat him up, even though you are the little brother and you adore your big bro. Then you will turn around and sweet talk baby Mariah who has been staying with us. You love to dance and shake your booty all the time. You still love motorcycles. Now we have to sing "Twinkle twinkle motorcycle" at night before you go to sleep.  I will always Love that special memory.

Life is good because of you. I love you more than anything Ty Ty.

My Strong-Willed, Stanky Legged Motorcycle Boy

Titus,
  I hate that it has been so long since I wrote to you on this blog. Almost every day I think of how much I want to record and document about this time in life and how much I want to say to you that you can't understand yet but will someday.

   Let me sum up the last 7 months since my last entry... I thought you were going to be "my difficult child." I began looking at books to help me deal with "the strong willed child," I sought wisdom from people I trust. I joked with family and close friends about you testing my wills and having inherited the "Johnson family temper."  You seemed like you went through a stage of 3-4 months where you were screaming and whining and throwing fits from the moment you woke up in the morning until bed time. I kept feeling your gums, hoping that your 2 year molars were coming in early and that that was what was causing the outbursts. I brought you to a pediatric ear specialist to see if I should get you tubes thinking you were having chronic ear pain. I started blaming myself for having a temper thinking that you may have witnessed it and thought that was an appropriate way to get what you wanted. I loved you all the while, but I was seriously struggling with how to manage your behaviors.

   Then about a month ago, things changed. You started communicating so much better. You went from muttering one to two words at a time to practically talking in sentences.  You really know how to make you needs known now and you are so much happier. In fact you spend most of your days now laughing and being silly. You say some of the sweetest things- like my favorite- "mommy hold you."  Maximus always used to say that and I loved it then and I love it now when you say it to me.  You pronounce things so cute too- like when you call Mars, "Gonch," and Hulk Smash, "Hoke Shash." You also like to tell everyone, "I'm Ty Ty" and anything Maximus says, you repeat, and usually laugh.

  I think my favorite thing you have been doing in this stage is what we call your "happy gallup." Whenever someone gives you food or tells you something that makes you happy, you do this happy little skip/gallup. I don't know where it started but it is adorable.  You also are the cutest dancer ever. You and Maximus like doing a dance called the "Whip and Nae Nae."  You are especially good at a move known as the "stanky leg."

  Did I mention how much you love motorcycles? By 'love' I mean you are obsessed with them.  Santa got you a motorcycle for Christmas and you really feel like a big boy on it. I am nervous that you will be a bit of a dare devil when you grow up because you seem to love high adrenaline things, like motorcycles and jumping off of tall furniture.

   You are still a huge eater and you poop a lot. You love sleep and usually ask for naps.  The more you grow, the more I think you have a lot in common with me, which makes me feel really good.  For example, I never liked my freckles until I noticed yours. I love everything about you.


              Love, 
                   Mommy
 

The Best of Times

Titus,
  It is official, the 12-24 month stage is my favorite.  Its when I have some of my fondest memories of your brother and its where you are now and you are reminding me just how fun it is.  You are really starting to understand the world. You think your brother is hilarious. You try to say a lot of words and you remember things that I never thought you would.  Its so fun to watch you interact with big kids because you think you are one of them.  At Maximus' soccer games you always run out onto the field with one of the spare balls and try to dribble toward the other kids.  You know you are being ornery sometimes and give me that little grin and run and try to get away with things. The way you walk and run is also so precious. You put those little hands up and try to balance as you move those little tootsies so fast.  I always say, "come here you, get over here you," and you run away shrieking with laughter.  You see your big brother give me flowers and you have started picking them off of our branches and bringing me crumbled petals. I wish I could save them all so I take pictures of all of them.
   As much fun as I am having with you boys, I regret to say I don't always act like it. While this is such a fun and happy time in life it is also very busy... and loud... and chaotic.  I admittedly don't do well when there is not order and calmness around me. So sometimes I start to get over-stimulated when you are crying, Maximus is whining, the dogs are scratching at the door, the family room looks like Christmas morning and I am trying to make dinner or do something else that requires my attention. Sometimes I stay rational enough to calmly distract you and Maximus with a game, the TV or whatever.  Sometimes I take a "mommy time out" and lock myself in my room for a few minutes until I hear you and Maximus stop crying (I keep you gated in the family room). Also sometimes I don't keep it together and I yell.  I almost always immediately feel bad, but I still can't seem to keep from doing it sometimes.

Your little tootsie is always sticking out

   Everyone says boys are hard when they are younger... and I suppose that is true. You guys are a lot of work at this stage because so much of what you do requires me to help you. While that is "hard" sometimes, it is also the biggest blessing I will ever receive- the opportunity to be such an integral part of your development and growth. One time recently your Paps looked at me when I was about to have a moment of panic/yelling and he said, "just think, all of this chaos is the sound of your happiness."  And he was so right. Someday I'm sure I would give anything to have my floors covered in toy trucks and soccer balls and super heroes. Someday I will see a water bottle and wish I could hear your sweet little one year old voice saying "mama" and pointing to it because you don't know how to say "water."
   The truth is, I am in the best days of my life. And even if I get overwhelmed sometimes, I won't lose sight of that truth. I love you so much. Thanks for being my joy.

Mama

The best swing. You stayed there for 30 minutes with me.

Walking, Talking Titus

Oh Titus you are in a fun stage!  We just got back from a trip to Ohio to visit family and by the end of the trip you had started walking pretty well.  We have been encouraging you for a few months now but you were mostly uninterested. I think being with your cousins helped.  Now we are home and you walk everywhere. You follow me around the house more quickly now that you don't have to crawl and you love walking around outside.  You always get this grin on your face because I think you feel confident and happy now that you can walk.  You are also very assertive. When you are walking you are always pointing and babbling as though you are telling us what to do. Its adorable. Your favorite sound to make it "ck."  You say "ck" for "truck" and "car" and "drink." I love it. I love how you think you are saying the real word.

I think you are going to be a very tough and strong minded little boy. You know exactly what you want and you make it known.  And even when you get hurt you don't make a big deal of it.  You might cry for a second but then you just kind of stand up and move on.  I guess you have to be tough since you have a big brother. You love it when he chases you and you chase him back.  Sometimes he playfully pushes you and you fall down, but it doesn't seem to bother you much, most of the time you just laugh and get back up.

The second year is probably my favorite stage for babies. Its when you will really start to understand the world around you and we will start to understand who you are as your own little person.  I am loving it so far. Everything about you is perfect in my eyes.

Love,
 Momma