Its Been Awhile...

My Sweet Titus,

Saying Goodbye to Trooper

   It has been a long time since I last wrote you a post. I had surgery last week and am taking advantage of the downtime to catch up on important things that I have let slide for awhile. Life has been crazy. Since my last blog post you have had two foster brothers, you started (and finished) your first year of preschool and, just last week, we had to put our beloved Trooper down. Trooper was almost 15 years old and had been declining for the past year and had started picking fights with Bones, who is younger, bigger and stronger and always won the fights. We decided to put Trooper down after one such fight where it seemed he broke his leg. It was a very emotional day for the whole family. We all went to the vet together. In the midst of all the emotion I couldn't help but take time to appreciate how you, a four year old little boy, were so aware of what was going on. You were appropriately sad and emotional but you made the effort to comfort Trooper and all of us. You kept talking about Trooper going to heaven (Rainbow bridge). You seemed to have remarkable perspective even though the concept of death was brand new to you.

You and Malachi in Your Robes

   I think you are good to your core. I think you genuinely love and are ok with putting others' needs before your own. I have been noticing that more and more as you grow. Usually that is something that has to be taught, and that some people develop as they get older and learn about the world. But for you, it seems to be coming natural. Its who you are. I mentioned your two foster brothers- James and Malachi. Both of them have been very close in age to you and both have had some challenges. It is often expected that a child in your position may act out or treat the other kids poorly because they are challenging your role in the family. But you have been the one in our family who has most easily and most fully embraced them as our family members. You have a gentle and accepting manner with them. You fight with them like brothers do but you don't fight with them like they are intruders in our home.

That Perfect Little Face

   Nonetheless the past two years have been very stressful on our family. Having an additional family member, especially one with unique needs, changes the dynamic of the household and has impacted how we all interact. There rarely seems like enough time in the day to manage everything let alone to do it well. I find that I don't get to play with you kids as much as I thought I would at this stage in life. I am in a bad mood more than I would like to admit, and we don't get a lot of one-on-one time like we did when you and Maximus were younger. That said, fostering has been beneficial to our family in countless ways, and I believe we have been a blessing to the kids who have lived with us. I don't think we will ever leave the foster system completely, but we may take a break from having kids live with us for awhile once Malachi returns home. We need some time to re-focus and some downtime to really enjoy what we have as a little family. I don't want to grow old one day and not know that I took every opportunity to laugh and be silly with you, to stare at your sweet face, or to hold your little hands while they were still little.  I want to fully absorb those sleepy hugs I get early in the morning when you wake up and stumble into my bathroom where I am getting ready for work. Your eyes are always half closed from the bright light, you hug me for a long time then back up and hand me each of your toys that you sleep with and carry with you in the mornings (cow, froggy, "Titus the frog," and a small Mickey Mouse) one by one while I name them. Such a simple little memory but one that will always be a favorite of mine.
   Well in two weeks you will be starting Pre-Kindergarten and I can hardly believe it. You will be with your buddy Lincoln this year again and in Ms. Burnette's class, which is who your big brother had. I am looking forward to seeing how you grow in this next year and to continue to enjoy being your mommy!
I love you sweet one.

"A Starts with Apple"

Titus,
  Since you were born I have always felt a sense of peace around you that I rarely feel with anyone else. I call you my soulmate because I feel so at ease when I am holding you and when you are not around I feel like I am not complete.  There is nothing intentional about it, its just a connection that I have with you that naturally occurs and I have never even considered the idea that you might intentionally try to keep me happy.
  However, the other day I had a realization about you that I wanted to share in this blogpost. A few months ago you started realizing that letter sounds form words and one day you said to me, "mommy A starts with apple." Naturally, I was ecstatic when you said that and I got very excited that you were making this connection. I could see pride in your face when I reacted in that way and gave you praise.
  Then a couple of weeks ago I was mad about something that one of you kids had done and was probably yelling or speaking in a stern tone. I remember out of the blue you came to me and said, "mommy A starts with apple." Even in my frustration I paused for a moment to cheer for you and smile and give you praise. A few days ago it happened again- I was mad about something and you could tell and you just interrupted me and said, "mommy A starts with apple." I realized that you had done that several times lately when I was upset about something and that my response was always a happy one. Finally it occurred to me that you were intentionally trying to cheer me up and you knew that by saying that it would make me happy, even if only briefly.  The thought just warms my heart that your sweet little mind would work in such a kind and caring way. How many barely 3 year olds have that kind of insight and take it upon themselves to do something to make others happy? I think it speaks to your sweet nature.  Thank you for being my little peace-maker, both naturally and intentionally.

I love you so much little boy,
Mommy

PS: Another adorable thing you have been doing lately is saying "lets marry" and then puckering up to give me a kiss on the lips. While I have had to explain to you that I am already married to daddy, I think it is so sweet that you associate a kiss on the lips with being married. Whoever marries you someday will be very very lucky.

I Can Feel The Ocean

Ty Ty,

Hammock Time

  Last weekend we went to Mexico as a family with our good friends the Grudeckis and the Dwiggins. It was a great time for everyone because all of the kids get along so well with each other. You had your buddy Lincoln there and you loved following Gracee around all weekend.  I had fun with the grown ups and watching you and Maximus play. But I gotta tell you, my favorite part of the whole trip was the 1:1 time I got with you.  The first day I had a shirt on that said "I Can Feel the Ocean" from a Switchfoot song so you kept asking me to play the song. It kind of became our song for the weekend. Whenever we went into the ocean, you were kind of scared and wanted me to hold you and sing that song to you, so for a long time thats just what we did. When we were in the pool you wanted me to hold you too, and we even took a nap in the hammocks together and played that song on my phone. I loved every minute of it. And since coming home we have had some great moments where you came over and asked me to dance with you and play that song. I just held you and we danced. I don't know how long you will want to be this close to me, but I count myself so blessed to have it this way. You just bring me so much peace, especially when you are in my arms.
   Love,
 Mommy

Always My Baby

My Sweet Titus,
  Life has changed a lot in the past two weeks.  We took in baby Hope as our first foster child.  She is an adorable, happy, smiley baby girl and we all bonded with her immediately.  It has been interesting to watch you and see how this addition changes you.

On our date

I love watching you play.

  In the past couple of weeks I have noticed a dissonance in you between wanting to be treated and coddled like a baby, and your adamant stance that you are a big boy, not a baby.  You have been more cuddly toward me and somewhat more "needy."  You have wanted your paci more often (its only supposed to be used for sleep), and you have been having more emotional outbursts than usual.  You seem to love baby Hope, but sometimes you are jealous of her. Tonight she was crying and I was laying on the floor with her and you came and laid on my belly with your head on my chest so I couldn't tend to Hope. I found myself torn between wanting to comfort the baby and wanting to soak in that moment with you. Luckily daddy helped out and comforted Hope so I could just hold you.  Last week we went on a date to get Gelato together and I have been taking more time to tuck you in at night so that you know you are special, even if there is a new baby in town. And you really are special.  I just can't get enough of your voice, your personality, and your beautiful face.  I also am borderline obsessed with your tootsies. You are so funny, smart and tough. You are curious and sweet. I love listening to you play with your superheroes, in your own little world, unaware of anything else around you.

I love this pic of you on a date with daddy...
Look how you are digging into daddy's gelato.

 At night when I tuck you in, I often say, "you are my baby." You correct me and say, "no I am a big boy," but then I tell you that even though you are a big boy, you will always be my baby, and you don't argue with that. :)

I love you so much TyTy

Big Brother Titus

Titus,

My cool kid.

  I want to take some time to write to you right now as we are approaching a major change in our family's life in the coming months.  Daddy and I have decided we want to open up our home to a foster child.  It was a decision that we made together and it was surprising how quickly we went from not having it on our mind to knowing it was what we needed to do.  We have always been pretty sure we would grow our family, but I wanted it to be through adoption and dad was unsure if he wanted to adopt or have more biological children. Neither of us had really considered foster care, mostly

Hugging buddy Lincoln. You are such a lover. 

because of the fear of how painful it could be for US.  However, something this past fall really struck us when we saw someone's facebook post about how many babies and children were sleeping on an office floor in some CPS office because there were not enough foster homes. For the first time I really let myself think about the fact that those kids are just like mine. They need snuggles and kisses and to laugh and be rocked to sleep.  They have fear and needs and behaviors. They are a gift from God. And they were sleeping on floors without anyone to meet their needs, let alone to snuggle and kiss them and make them laugh.  Daddy and I decided to go to an orientation and learn more about foster care. We agreed to start the process and see where it took us. Now we are about half way through and we have decided to take in one child at a time. We decided to take in a child under age 2, for your protection, but we are open to race and gender.  So, for the first time, we are expecting a child but we don't know anything about it.

Playing with your big brother

  My biggest fear in this whole process is that you will get hurt.  You are my baby and we have been so incredibly close in the past several months. You are used to being the baby and getting a certain level of attention from me, daddy and Maximus. Now, though, you will have to share your attention with a younger child who may have a lot of needs. I don't want you to think that you are in any way being replaced and I don't want you to think that you may be sent away the way a foster child could be.  You and your brother get along so well and never seem to be jealous of each other, but even Maximus seems a little apprehensive about another little one entering the home.  It will definitely change the dynamic of the family. It will definitely be hard to say goodbye if and when that day comes.  But daddy and I would not have decided to do this if we didn't think the good would outweigh any negative impact on you.  I think you will grow a lot and learn a lot and love a lot through the process. I pray it will give you perspective and compassion and a desire to change the world.  You are such an amazing little boy and I believe you can change the world.  So, we will start one child at a time, as a family.

I love you Ty Ty.

Mr. Articulate

Dear Sweet Titus,

   I don't know why people hate the "terrible twos." I think it is my favorite age.  I laugh every day and feel overwhelmed with joy because of you, my little two year old. My little, verbal, articulate two year old. The things that come out of a smart 2 year olds mouth are hilarious. You are quite certain that you are the ultimate authority around our house, you are acutely aware of how to manipulate us by your cuteness and you speak in full, descriptive sentences.  You don't just say "no" or "yes," you will answer very assertively like, "No I don't want that, sorry mommy." Your voice is so precious and sometimes you make the "L" sound instead of the "R" sound, so you say things like "I'm leally leally cold, mommy!"  You had swim lessons these past two weeks and you were so cold so you kept yelling that to me. We aren't allowed to go over to the pool during your lessons so I had to let you keep crying to me without comforting you. It was so hard but you ended up doing great at swimming and now you love the water!  You also have started saying, "haHAhaHAHA" about things when you are being ornery. Its so funny and I am not sure where you got it.  Yesterday you pulled the stickers off your "good boy chart" and said, "I took these off, HaHAhaHAHA!"

I think of you constantly when we are not together and when I get home you are always so excited to see me and run into my arms. You beam at me and it is the best feeling in the world. Your little face is always messy, your hair is crazy and we call you "rooster boy" sometimes. You are so tough and yet so tender. You chase Maximus around and try to beat him up, even though you are the little brother and you adore your big bro. Then you will turn around and sweet talk baby Mariah who has been staying with us. You love to dance and shake your booty all the time. You still love motorcycles. Now we have to sing "Twinkle twinkle motorcycle" at night before you go to sleep.  I will always Love that special memory.

Life is good because of you. I love you more than anything Ty Ty.

My Strong-Willed, Stanky Legged Motorcycle Boy

Titus,
  I hate that it has been so long since I wrote to you on this blog. Almost every day I think of how much I want to record and document about this time in life and how much I want to say to you that you can't understand yet but will someday.

   Let me sum up the last 7 months since my last entry... I thought you were going to be "my difficult child." I began looking at books to help me deal with "the strong willed child," I sought wisdom from people I trust. I joked with family and close friends about you testing my wills and having inherited the "Johnson family temper."  You seemed like you went through a stage of 3-4 months where you were screaming and whining and throwing fits from the moment you woke up in the morning until bed time. I kept feeling your gums, hoping that your 2 year molars were coming in early and that that was what was causing the outbursts. I brought you to a pediatric ear specialist to see if I should get you tubes thinking you were having chronic ear pain. I started blaming myself for having a temper thinking that you may have witnessed it and thought that was an appropriate way to get what you wanted. I loved you all the while, but I was seriously struggling with how to manage your behaviors.

   Then about a month ago, things changed. You started communicating so much better. You went from muttering one to two words at a time to practically talking in sentences.  You really know how to make you needs known now and you are so much happier. In fact you spend most of your days now laughing and being silly. You say some of the sweetest things- like my favorite- "mommy hold you."  Maximus always used to say that and I loved it then and I love it now when you say it to me.  You pronounce things so cute too- like when you call Mars, "Gonch," and Hulk Smash, "Hoke Shash." You also like to tell everyone, "I'm Ty Ty" and anything Maximus says, you repeat, and usually laugh.

  I think my favorite thing you have been doing in this stage is what we call your "happy gallup." Whenever someone gives you food or tells you something that makes you happy, you do this happy little skip/gallup. I don't know where it started but it is adorable.  You also are the cutest dancer ever. You and Maximus like doing a dance called the "Whip and Nae Nae."  You are especially good at a move known as the "stanky leg."

  Did I mention how much you love motorcycles? By 'love' I mean you are obsessed with them.  Santa got you a motorcycle for Christmas and you really feel like a big boy on it. I am nervous that you will be a bit of a dare devil when you grow up because you seem to love high adrenaline things, like motorcycles and jumping off of tall furniture.

   You are still a huge eater and you poop a lot. You love sleep and usually ask for naps.  The more you grow, the more I think you have a lot in common with me, which makes me feel really good.  For example, I never liked my freckles until I noticed yours. I love everything about you.


              Love, 
                   Mommy